My initial ideas for this module was to find my voice within my practice, to channel the rage of injustice I have felt, exploring issues that surface within me from my childhood, from personal trauma.  But also, national, global issues that I have been deeply affected by in the course of my life and working career, individuals that have been let down by “the system”, socioeconomic problems brought on by poor housing, lack of appropriate support, individuals who continue to face injustice due to disabilities, social standing, mental health, addiction, people who are on or have been to the darker edges of surviving and trying not to drown in their own pits of despair.

My practice has always been about this theme, this darkness was always there, stemming from my childhood growing up under the grey wet slate slags of Blaenau Ffestiniog, it just added to the sometimes weary misery of fear and darkness whose edges seeped into my existence like mould growing up a wall, nightmares fused with reality.

In the past I have avoided taking about why my practice is dark, I would leave the labels off to be ambiguous, I would try to make the pieces happy, less dark;  However as this module is “engagement immersion and practice” I have decided that it is time to explore the subtle horrors of my own fear, in the process I will explore, even possibly resolve some of the recurring issues that have plagued my adulthood.

Engagement, Immersion and Practice

This module is about engagement immersion and practice, I start every piece of work, task experiment by taking it apart, dissecting getting to know the brief.

Engagement, the action of engaging or being engaged; an arrangement to do something or go somewhere at a fixed time; The origin of the word is from the 17^th century ‘in general sense a legal or moral obligation’ In Welsh, Ymgysylltu, ymghlymiad, ymwneud, these are the first three of nine words of various degrees of doing words.

Immersion, 1. The act of immersing someone or something in liquid, 2. Deep mental involvement in something. In Welsh, Trochi, Drochi.

Practice, 1. The actual application or use of an idea, belief, or method as opposed to theories relating to it. 2. The customary, habitual, or expected procedure or way of doing something. 3. Repeated exercise in or performance of an activity or skill so as to acquire or maintain proficiency in it. In Welsh, Arfer, Ymarfer. Arfer in Welsh is the word ‘used’ as in I am used to doing it.

Therefore in simple terms the first module will be to engage in my chosen area, with the team, tutors, wider art circle, exhibitions, seminars, immerse myself in the knowledge, theories relating to my subject fully deeply then produce pieces of work relating to my practice by applying the knowledge gained.

Art School Day out

First stop was Colwyn Bay for the Northern Eye Festival of photographers with displays all over Colwyn Bay, I particularly liked the Lost Summer by Alys Tomlinson at the entrance to the precinct very poignant, teenagers it appeared ready for the prom and no prom to go too? Unless you knew these were here people were just walking past, they became part of the experience of shopping Charlie Phillips’s images from the archive reminded me of ‘A Taste of Honey’ not sure when these were taken but appeared to be in the 60’s and being placed directly facing Morrison’s supermarket entrance where the demography is predominantly elderly and white, I felt that this is what art should do, it’s quiet unassuming images staring out in stark contrast to the viewers. Quinn by Lottie Davies screened on a big screen from the previous Bright House store was not lost on me either, a beautiful journey recreated in film.

The Stone Museum on Anglesey was one man’s collection of fossils, rocks, and anything else he could not be parted from, the museum itself as one of the other students noted was like Jurassic meets Blue Peter, there were some truly beautiful pieces, some really interesting fossils but it was just bonkers, there was too much stuff, abandoned pile of old books he was selling, not about rocks just about anything, upstairs was worse, the rows of old cinema chairs faced a wall of posters, the inhabitants of the chairs were random old large teddies it was an interesting look into a mind of an eccentric hoarder who appeared to have decided to justify his hoarding by opening up as a museum.

Paris Mountain and the Fridge event, we all were to make at least x5 stones out of any lightweight materials and carry them to the top of the mountain, these would be then placed over the fridge to ‘bury’ the fridge before coming back down the mountain. I was relived to find that they had brought a trolley and the ‘Event’ commenced, Paris Mountain is such an alien landscape, more of a hill, but Anglesey is so flat it is probably considered a mountain, unless it was a mountain and all that is left is the hill? I was thinking about other artists who have done performance art like this that we were introduced to online to introduce this project, a fridge on the mountain filled with lightweight replica interpretations of stones would just be that, the performance however is the main event, the doing, the experiencing, being there and the generating new ideas for new work all came from that trip for me.

My statement of intent for this module was as follows,

I want to address injustices that I see within our society relating to social issues and by exploring these issues that surface within me, in my personal life working in social care, but also from my childhood, personal trauma that has shaped my life. I want to find my voice through my art, channelling my rage at injustice in a creative manner using mixed media methods.

I aim to make several samples with some moving parts experimentation, using found materials, cast away second-hand dolls/toys, fabrics, threads, wire, buttons, and toy stuffing. These will not necessarily be finished pieces, rather they will be experimental vehicles. As well as the mixed media pieces there will also be unrealised samples/experiments. I aim to explore moving parts for the figures and the construction of these joints are influenced from some previous experiments and a very recent course that I attended with the doll maker The Pale Rook.

I aim to use printing techniques on to my samples printing on to fabric using paper lithograph techniques, adding details to my fabric to layer in the meaning. I hope to achieve mixed media samples “figures” “dolls” “puppets” that will be part of an ongoing body of new work looking at storytelling, through drawing the process, print, mixed media, sculpting methods layering narrative on to these samples. Immersing myself in theories that relate to this area, such as Julia Kristeva on Abjection, Angela Carter’s Bloody chamber as well as psychological perspectives as discussed in the seminar led by John McClenaghen.

Feedback to my presentation was informative, I felt that I was on the right track. The macabre dolls, possibly a magical significance, artist Paula Rago, Louise Bourgeois, drawings, they hold a sense of otherness about them. Trauma, to explore first hand experiences through the art, finding depth in the work by finding voice in the design process, such as the image of the conker with a head on it, how I may be able to communicate this. Deep material engagement, rich and established practice, the pleasure in the process comes across in the work produced, art therapy. Think about context, gallery or studio, think about setting, possibly used in therapeutic setting i.e. police trauma units with children. Interpret engagement in relation to others, look at therapeutic objects, Psychology, Belby, Attachment therapy.

In completing my Formative assessment I found that, by collating all the information in one place, this forced me to look at where, I was at. Putting together a presentation and receiving feedback, (above), writing my draft reflective account, enabled me to see where I needed to be more coherent. It forced me to look at aspects of my practice, as a whole, but also as others may see it.

Until this point I had not fully admitted what my work was about, I have said its about injustices, social problems, childhood trauma etc, in the wider context, it does sit within these social parameters, however in short it has been my way of coping with my past, my complex childhood, my cohesion into having sex when far too young, my anger issues as a young adult and then into adulthood, a breakdown, from years of working 80+ hours a week in a homeless complex as well as suppressing underlying issues of crippling insecurities and self worth.

After the Formative assessment, I needed thinking time, I took some time out, I read around theories relating to, security objects, attachment theory, psychology of art practice, which I had previously studied whilst completing a National Diploma in health and social care. I have worked, on and off, all of my adult life, in social care and many of those years with individuals with mental health problems, complex needs and behavioural issues. When I had a breakdown in my late twenties, when I got better, I went to Art College there I found that I was able to channel my emotions into my art.

I am currently researching the subject of artists who use personal trauma within their art. See Post :-https://wordpress.com/post/carysanne44.wordpress.com/630.

The seminar by John McClenaghen was the beginning of the turning point for me, something clicked, I kept going back to the images he shared (see below)

This layering, pushing and pulling of paint, the emphasis on the eyes, drawing the viewer to that point, looking away. I found this image powerful, I identified with this, it appears to evoke a sense of utter despair and yet stillness in that moment, a layer of chaos unable to engage. https://i.pinimg.com/originals/f3/46/db/f346db1edbb105b5158cfeb4320b0e2c.jpg

My critical debate in this module was mostly with myself, a journey into ones own psyche, but by exploring other artists who work with Trauma, researching, comparing, analysing their methods, what they are saying in comparison to what they show as final pieces, what the critics, viewers say? I hope to give a more cohesive voice to my pieces as I attentively approach my darkest fears and unravel the layers of protection like an onion skin, to reveal work that will enable others to identify their own trauma, to find a way to heal. Louise Bourgeois work was showing on the third floor of the Tate when I went to see Lucian Freud’s exhibition.

Having not been a fan of Louise Bourgeois work, now that I have seen this exhibition I have seen other aspects of her work the image on the left was not showing, however of all the images I could find, this is the one I decided to show, Louise in her older years holding what appears to be a textile head.

I watched several uTube video interviews she did, and I instantly admired her fierce spirit while she discussed smashing things to take out her frustrations, she appears to have been a very complex character and yet there appears to be pain and a frailty.

Exhibitions I visited during this module, really helped me to explain to myself where I sit within this context, when I compare and analyse how others communicate through their art, installations, written work, I am able to identify with some of these artworks and therefore understand my own work. Louise’s hanging bodies, it was good to see these in the flesh so to speak, however, I am not convinced that the Tate gave justice to her work, it felt like her pieces fitted into their space, and I feel that more thought should have gone in to displaying these?

I would have liked to see them in their own room, such as the drawn images of these have far more power to the drawings, although their scale and manner of hanging adds to the appearance of motion. I was drawn to these as I can compare this connection in my own work, I draw I make, the scale is different but the media is similar.

In conclusion, I believe I have fulfilled my learning plan, although not possibly to the letter, I have done more in some areas, less in others.

I have successfully established a good relationship with the print tutor and I have spent several days towards the end of this module experimenting with printing on to fabric, see blog post.

I had not anticipated that I would need to learn how to blog on a WordPress platform and this has been a whole new experience, I had a blog of sorts, but I did not know how to use it, it was just there. Sophie Holliday of Digital Learning Resource continues to support me with weekly one to one tutorials throughout this semester.

Blogging is my new online journal, I am not fully experienced yet, but I am learning, being on a digital platform will enable me to reach a wider audience and be visible in a digital world.

I have not included on this blog everything I have learnt in the course of this module, however I feel that what I have included shows how my work has developed and will continue to do so, as none of my pieces were resolved, I will continue to develop these in the next module.